The woke left? Without saying goodbye?
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Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
me refusing to leave twitter
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.