The Wolf of Wall Street.
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8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!