The Wolf of Wall Street.
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OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?