My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
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u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
based al yankovic
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends