Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
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if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb