The Wolf of Wall Street.
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I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that