[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
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*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
🍞🦆
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.