[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
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Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Help
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.