[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
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I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
Meow
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*