[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
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sensitive skin
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day