Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news

Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.

I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.

Ghost costume 😂

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas