Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”

Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:

1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”

mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.