The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.