Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

Good for him.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

I’m giving up ice.

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.