the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
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7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
o shit
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*