The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
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16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples