Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

Chief Exec: Any Ideas?

Writer 1: Talking Animals!

Writer 2: How about a Princess?

Writer 3: Kill the parents!

-Brainstorming at Disney

Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…

hmmm