Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…