The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
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My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Nonmaterial gift ideas:
An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.