The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
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Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.