The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
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me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
“How’s your day going?”
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too