The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
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[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.