The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
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I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
OH. COME. ON.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.