Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend

The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.