The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
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A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Nomnomnomnom
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
sir, my pâté if you please
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.