The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
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Solving a traffic jam
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
Wednesday
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
