The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
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if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.