The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
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just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.