The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
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STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Roombas should bark
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
For the baby who has everything
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote