The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
You Might Also Like
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Just added something to my bucket list.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.