Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!

Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!