The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
i did the math
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Yup
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
