The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
