Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch

If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

My good tweets are in my other pants.

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?

JAMES: he’s a-

ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

worst…sale…ever

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

“So how was your day today at work?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦‍♂️😳🤯😂

Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

Bakery worker: Can I get you something?

Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket

MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…