The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
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How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.