The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
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Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
never compromise your values
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I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*