The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
You Might Also Like
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Air conditioning – not a fan
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
the short answer to this question