The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
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Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
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Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
My first son he is wonderful
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My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?