Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy

Parents: omg yes

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

*first time seeing a musical

“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

*3.5 thank you very much.

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”