The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
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Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
next level snooze
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops