Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.

time machine? you mean a clock?

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

ME: for like important stuff i guess

CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs

ME: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

ME: she did what

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”

Can’t stop laughing.. 😂

Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

you will never know the true number of layers

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

Professor X: What’s your power?

Me: I can turn ice into cats.

Professor X: That’s ridiculous.

Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!

Me: I got this!

Polecats: Sonofa…

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

Drilling for oil is well boring.

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids