Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.

Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk

~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb

Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.