the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
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All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
why am I working on Labor Day
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…