Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?

Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.