The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°
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Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”