The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°
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(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
ok like just. call me at this point
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions