The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
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Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.