The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
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What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Never deleting this app.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
(Gaming support cat.)
