The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
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okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Cinematography is my passion
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
December birthdays be like…
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?