Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite state to visit?

Unconsciousness

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!

[marriage counseling]

She’s always getting mad at me

“There’s a shark living in our pool”

IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN

[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.