The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
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A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.