Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft

me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?

cop:

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”

Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”

Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”

Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.

it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…

Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.