The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
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❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael