The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
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Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe