the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
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therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday