The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
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him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan