The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
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Always the barmaid, never the bar.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
[montage of me giving-up]
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit