The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
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If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Yup!
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
he’ll never suspect a thing
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.