Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

Autocarrot sucks!

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us

Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.