Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.

[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’

reviewed some movies recently

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!

But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…

I said be quick about it!

law suits: quality garments for lawyers

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

mechanics be like

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.