Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
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Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
We need to put an American base on the sun
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence