Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

The A string on my guit_r is flat

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

I just made the PERFECT phone call!

My parents didn’t answer.

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

If snakes were wide

Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.

To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

I think my mom just blocked me

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!