the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
You Might Also Like
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
