The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
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I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
what it’s like dating me:
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit