The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
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Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.