The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
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My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Skills
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?