The word Ohio looks like a tractor
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Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
not to brag, but mine was free
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.