The word Ohio looks like a tractor
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I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
What?
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit