Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

interviewer: ur biggest weakness?

me: i hate working

when unicorns get really drunk

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.

My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.

Mike is short for Micycle

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?