The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
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Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
sailors wish they could swear like me
When news reporters do sports stories
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Still a very good boi….
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.