Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL:

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”