Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.

Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never

is he marrying that labradoodle

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

[halloween]

ME: nice costume. casanova?

HIM: guy fawkes

ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.