The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
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I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”