Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed

Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority

Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?

Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.

her: aww you’re a cat dad!!

me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings

her: oh-

me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds

her: i… um…

me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies

her: yay!!!

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

Can i borrow your truck?

Me: no problem just read the dashboard

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord