Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!

Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here