The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
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ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”