The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
You Might Also Like
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
how was your vacation
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.