The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
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I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
These modern phones are great but I miss the days of old Nokias… you know if you were out and needed a hammer, a weapon or even an anchor for a boat.. voila
Oh my God.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
A choir of Spring onions
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
What about second breakfast?
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.