Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that

I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

boss: you’re fired

me: [pausing tiktok] why

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.

I live alone, but still.

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.